Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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