woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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