Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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