My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Randomize
