I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
