the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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