Can i not drive my cunt home
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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