Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
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