i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
