Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
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