the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I stole a fireplace last night.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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