Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
