you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
