Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I am available for nakedness
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
