o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
not ubering you a puppy
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