but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
We got so high we made milksteak
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
