ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
