Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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