Who wears a wallet chain?!
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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