i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
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