My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
