You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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