May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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