I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I love you.
Bad choice
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
