My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
