apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
