matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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