I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
