just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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