When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
