my vag is so smooth its legendary
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
