My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
