Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
