I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
