I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
