dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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