I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
