the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
