I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
