It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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