i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
