I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
