youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
