And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
