Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
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