Sry I called you an 8
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
