What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
