My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
