I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I need a beard to bite.
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