so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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